Sunday, December 25, 2011

Wrapped Up Tight!

My present to Sir this year was myself. Subbie wrapped up glittery red ribbon. I was also wearing these shows from @LustyJezzy's website

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Discoveries: Hard Limits & Turn Ons

For me the hardest part of writing a post is a title. I don't know why. I can write an entire post in my head but I can't think of a good title. Something not to long, not to short, something eye catching. Same thing when I was writing papers in school. I can write a ten page paper, double spaced, with citations and footnotes, but the title is the last thing I come up with. And I agonize over it!

Discovery of a New Hard Limit:

     Sir has already written about this discovery. We both agreed to try it. I didn't know how I would react. Sir didn't know how I would react. I thought for sure that spanking/paddling would be a harder limit for me. Some memories are newer. My parents spanking, let me rephrase that, my mothers spanking only went till I was about 12, or she broke the paddle on my butt, whichever happened first, I don't remember. After that she slapped, or backhanded. Till I moved out. She would leave hand-prints on my face. I guess that stuck with me more then spanking. I'm not sure how the scene started. It wasn't important. Sir has patted my face before, or done a soft tap. Nevertheless He had never outright hit me in the face. I know some women like it. In 18 years of marriage my Husband had never ever lifted a hand to me in anger or otherwise.

     Sir had been pounding me, fucking me, for some time. He stopped for a rest and I looked up at Him. Then I felt stinging. A slow realization came across my face. The tears started. I tried to hide my face. I wanted it to be okay. For Him. For me. I didn't want it to be bad. I could feel the heat on my face. From His hand. The outline. I could feel the panic climbing. Wondering if another one would follow. Flashbacks to my mothers face in my face. She would hit one side then backhand the other side. I don't know where the panic came from. I needed to get away. Sir took control. Wrapped me in His arms. Wouldn't let me hide my face. Told me to let it out. That it was okay. It would never happen again. Later he told me the look on my face was one of fear. Terrorizing fear. I sobbed and sobbed. Remembering the look on Sir's face when he realized my reaction. Just a glimpse. Then Sir went into Super After Care mode.

Discovery of a Turn-On:

     I finally stopped sobbing and Sir got me to laugh. I don't remember what He said/did to make me laugh but it helped. To show Sir I was okay I started sucking on His cock. I took Him from soft to hard to orgasm. I licked. I fondled. I sucked. I wanted to give Sir one of the best blowjobs I had ever given him, and in 18 years that's a lot of blowjobs! After Sir had His release I crawled up to Him on all fours and laid my head on His chest. Sir knows that my giving Him a blowjob makes me wet, and hornier then fuck. I'm still on all fours but my head is now on His shoulder. Sir started fingering my pussy and my clit. As I felt myself climaxing Sir growled in my ear...

                    "Cum for me. You were brave. You're my Good Girl and I. Love. You."

     As soon as I heard the words "Good Girl" and "I Love You" I came. I squirted all over the bed. Soaked the sheets. As I was cumming a low purr/growl rose from my throat. Sir quietly chuckled and I heard "That's my Girl. My Good Girl." I hid my face in His shoulder. I wanted that moment to last forever. I had never before cum because of something He said. I loved it.

We didn't get to do another scene, of any type, until Sir got back from Thanksgiving vacation visiting family. I think we needed the break. I was a little afraid of how our next scene would go. For all that I think it went just fine. Tonight we will be playing with new toys. I can't wait!

Till next time, play rough! 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Update to the Ashamed. Of Crying. Post

Sir and I went to bed shortly after I uploaded the Ashamed. Of Crying. post. What happened next was completely unexpected while also thrilling.

We did our pre-play cuddle/talk, then Sir rolled me onto my back and lifted up my shirt to expose my breasts. I asked Him if He would like for me to remove my shirt and Sir answered no. Sir then suckled my left breast and proceeded to tickle me on my left side. Just a light tickle. Sir then suckled my right breast and did the same light tickle on my right side. He continued this for several minutes. Sir did not cuff me but had put my arms above my head. Instinctive reaction for me was to lower my arms to protect my sides. Sir immediately said "Arms back up!". This happened several times. Eventually Sir rolled me onto my stomach and proceeded to sit on my ass. I love having Sir in that position! Sir started tickling my neck and working his way down.

Not once did He spank me. He had gotten the flogger out just in case I didn't react well to the tickling. Sir alternated the tickling with dragging/digging his nails into my skin starting at my shoulders and working down to my ankles.

I do not like.

I am still fully clothed while all this is going on. I tried to lower my arms to protect myself again and Sir said "Don't make me tell you again to put those arms back up!" All during this I can hear Sir chuckling and laughing behind me. Something he does not do often! I was so thrilled that my Sir was happy! Sir eventually got around to tickling the bottom of my feet. This all lasted nearly an hour, I believe, not the feet tickling, just the entire tickling mixed with the nail digging. I yelled "mercy" several different times which for us is much like someone else saying yellow. Towards the end Sir spent probably over 5 minutes tickling my feet. I was squirmy and couldn't get away. If I'd been able to dig my way through the bed I would have! Sir "Say it!" me "Say what?" Sir "You know what I mean, Say it!" me: "Kaleidoscope!" (thank you spell checker!) Sir "Again!" me: "Kaleidoscope!!" Sir then rolled me over, stuck his hand down my pants fingering me to several orgasms.

As I finish orgasming Sir leans over and whispers in my ear, "And I did all that without taking your clothes off. I. Win."

Sir "What is the lesson here?"

Me: ..... (still recovering)

Sir: I have gotten you to safe-word with spanking AND tickling. Never be afraid of using the safe-word and never hold back on crying. (I'm giving you the compressed version. I was in subspace and His exact wording escapes me)

This has been a very intense week for me. Last night Sir alternated spanking and tickling. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Laughing and crying at the same time. I love my Sir.

Also?    Mind.     Fucked.

side-note: I'm going to have to be careful what I post since Sir reads it. Not that I post anything bad. Just... well... I wasn't expecting my own post, with my innermost feelings, to be used against me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Ashamed. Of Crying.

Sir achieved a new first last night. I safe-worded (you should hear the disgust in my voice when I say that) from a bare-hand bare-bottom spanking. He was also dragging/digging his nails into my skin starting at my shoulders and all the way down to my ankles. On the upside He's found something I do not like.

Causing me to cry goes against everything that Sir is and strives to be. Subsequently, His anguish from going against who/what He is to satisfy me, in turn creates angst within myself for causing Him such distress. Nice vicious cycle, no? Sir talks about His confusion, sometimes I am confused too. Last night Sir said "Just keep telling me this is what you want and I will keep doing it. I will find a way."

However, I still have this nagging question in the back of my mind. Is this what I want? I feel guilty... no... ashamed, embarrassed even, for safe-wording when I asked for the spanking! I try to hold out crying for as long as possible. I feel as if I shouldn't, that I have NO right, to be crying since I asked for the pain. Am I really a masochist if I cry? Is that the goal of sadists? To make their subs cry, or even safe-word? Yes, I know it hurts, just the same. I've asked to be spanked, to be put into pain. Why does pain, from spanking/flogging, make me wet? Will I ever understand?

To my Masochist and Sadist readers: What say you? Masochists, do you feel ashamed of crying or safe-wording? Sadists, do you set out to make your subs cry or even safe-word?

Monday, October 17, 2011

A New Adventure

Something that I have been interested in of late is Mommy/Daughter age play/role play. There is lots of stuff out there for Daddy/Little Girl but not a whole lot on Mommy/Daughter. Unless you count the guy fucking both the mom and daughter kink.

     My Mummy, or Mum, is Iscah, also known as @ScorpioUndone. We have the blessing(?)... no, that's not right. We have the approval of Sir, @apangdon. We are embarking on a new journey.

Care to join us?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Why Do You Love Me?

Sir posed this question to me last night after we were through.

Sir: Why do you love me?

Me: Why does the night turn to day?

Sir: Because it has to.

Me: Why does the sun continue to burn?

Sir: Because it has to.

Me: Why do I love you?

Sir: Because you have to.

“It is said that some lives are linked through time, connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages.” Prince of Persia

This quote from the Prince of Persia is how I feel connected to Sir. We’ve done this before, or so it feels, and we’ll do it again, in another life. Sometimes you do find your soulmate.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

So... Content

Sir has said those words to me twice this week.

So... Content...

Both times after a flogging and before we had any type of sex.

So... Content...

Sir said it is like I get a release from the flogging. Afterwards I just look... well... So... Content...

I don't know how to explain it. I minored in psychology of personality and I've no idea how to explain it. I don't like diving into my own head anyways! It is a different pain then the constant pain of my hands. It is a pain I can cry out from. Whereas the pain from my hands I bottle up trying not to show it. Maybe that is my release. Being able to say something hurts. In the safety of our bedroom and in the arms of the one who not only loves me but loves me enough to flog me to give me that release.

So... Content...

I Love You Sir.
Yesterday, Today, Always, and Forever
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul ~ You have them all

Monday, September 19, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

Our biggest play session thus far has been Labor Day weekend. We had three new toys arrive that week. A purple blindfold, purple cuffs with chains, and a suede flogger. We had tried out the blindfold and cuffs but had not really tested the flogger. This was a weekend of many firsts for us.

Friday night I showered and asked Sir what, if anything, he wanted me to lay out. He said the flogger, the cuffs, my glass vagina dildo (have separate one for ass), and lube. I set the scene up and got dressed as directed. Black polka dot short skirt with crinoline underneath, black and white fishnet stockings, and my shiny black confidence inducing fuck me heels. Sir said he wanted me at the foot of the bed, bent over on my arms, with my ass in the air. I obliged, of course.

After Sir came into the bedroom he tried out the flogger. I had one moment I nearly screamed safeword on, the flogger wrapped between my legs and on my pussy. That I was NOT prepared for! Next Sir held me down on the bed and forced me to orgasm repeatedly. I do remember almost biting his hand at one point as he went to muffle me. Sir then fucked me from behind, oh how I love that position cause his balls slap up against my clit, while grabbing my hair. I was pretty worn out (wonder why?!). I slept very soundly that night!

Saturday night I put on a demonstration for Sir. I know people say that if it hurts you're not doing anal right. For me it doesn't hurt, I just don't get anything out of it. Anal sex is not something I do for Sir often, and I know he would like to do it more. (This took place before I knew what a but plug was!) We have an old wedge pillow that Sir used to sleep on till he got a new one. I threw some towels on it, got out my glass ass dildo, lube, and Hitachi. I knew that if I stretched myself out it would be easier and maybe if I played with myself with the Hitachi while the glass dildo was in my ass I would be able to handle more. I used the wedge pillow by placing my legs on either side of it and using the higher end of the wedge to push/hold the dildo in.

Boy was I right!

I sat Sir on the floor behind me for a good view, with some lube of course. I had practiced this one and only once, the day before. My demonstration went well! I managed to fit all of the dildo, except the handle, up my ass. I'm not sure who was more shocked, Sir or myself?! After my demonstration Sir fucked me up the ass and I used the Hitachi to orgasm while he did it. I had trouble keeping the Hitachi in place though. Think I need something a little smaller. But it helped. Someday I hope to not need the Hitachi as I've heard there are girls who orgasm from anal sex. I orgasm from everything else, why not anal too?

Until Next Time... Play Rough!

Friday, September 16, 2011


Name: Subby

Occupation: Nymph FuckToy

Recent Accomplishments:

1) Sir (Dom) came five times in 24 hours.

2) Sir came twice in a row two nights in a row.

3) I gave Sir such a blowjob that his balls still hurt the next day.

4) Let Sir come on my face for the first time.

5) Initiated anal with Sir. A first for me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Thoughts Racing Through My Head

I worry. Too much. I second guess myself. I'm always afraid it's me. That this melancholy and disinterest is somehow my fault. Did I not do something? Did I do something? Did I say something wrong? Am I pushing to fast? Am I too horny? Do I ask/want too much?

The last four months have been absolute bliss. We've gone from going weeks, months even, of not having sex to doing *something* nearly every day. I look forward to going to bed, and try to wrangle Sir into mid-day stuff constantly. I. Want. More.

Until about a week ago. Right after Labor Day Weekend (LDW). We had a fun and busy weekend. Or so I thought. Sir has stopped tweeting/texting me just to say Good Morning and that he loves me. Our Play last Friday, the first one after LDW, felt like something was missing. I did a lot of new things over LDW, he came on my face, I initiated anal for the first time (a story unto itself for another day). Something has changed since then. Sir no longer melts when I give him my subbie adoring/worshiping look. He's stopped asking what I've accomplished that day to earn my reward spankings. Did I do too much at once? Fulfilled too many fantasies already? I want my Sir back. What can I do to help Sir? How do I get my Sir back? What did I do? Is Sir bored with me?


I have been working on my Labor Day weekend Play post. I'm just not sure how much detail to include. Are my readers looking for intimate details? Or are my readers looking for just an overview of the scene? Please leave a reply below telling me what you, my readers, are interested in. I am going to break it into two parts, I think, as we did a lot that weekend.

Thank you.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


My collar is not one most would imagine. It is purple and has a butterfly dangling from it. AP gave it to me on my birthday in July. We refer to it has a "Wedding Necklace" to outsiders as it replaces a wedding ring I haven't been able to wear in years due to my hands. Yes, that is me in the picture with my hands around my neck and the necklace over them.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Reward and Punishment

I've had this post in my head for a few days. To be honest my hands are killing me today and the last thing I want to do is type. On the other hand I'm afraid that if I don't get it typed out I will forget it. I'm going to pop another pain pill and hope this makes sense!

     As my few readers are aware AP and I are just starting our exploration into the kink side. I may, admittedly, be moving a little faster then Sir would like. We all have our hangups. Apparently once I got past mine I waved goodbye and embraced the new me. I have few hangups left. Only two actually.

Calling Sir "Daddy" and paddle spanking.

     The Daddy one stems from being molested by my biological father until I was 8 years old and the state of Kansas finally terminated his parental rights. Not to mention the molesting done to me while in foster care. Understandable, right? What about the paddle spanking, you ask? Well, as luck would have it I was adopted into a fine ultra-conservative Nazarene family. The following sums up the Nazarene faith: No drinking, no smoking, no dancing, no gays, no going to the movies (but you can rent it and watch it at home), corporal punishment (spare the rod spoil the child), must go to church no less then three times a week (not really a rule but it should be seeing as I spent most of my childhood/teendom at church), Father always knows best (even though Mother is really in control), children should be seen and not heard (even after grown and moved out). Pretty much any conservative running for president currently. Is it any wonder I turned my back on it? My Mother would paddle us with a bread board. She broke it once. On. My. Ass. She also cured me of sticking my hands back there to protect my butt. My brother would laugh at her. Yes, my biological brother and I were adopted into the same family and it was all my fault. I spent a lot of time in my room. Alone. I taught myself to crochet and sew. I was a voluptuous reader. I rarely watched t.v., still don't. That's what happens when you spend six months or more grounded from it at a time. You. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore.

     My point? Right... I warned you I was taking pain meds. Anywho...

Reward versus Punishment. I've not been in the BDSM community long but I have gathered one thing thus far. Pain is punishment. Pain is bad. Spanking is something done to someone who's been bad. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE BAD!! *cough* All I want to do is make Sir (although I prefer to call him Dommy) happy. Why would I want to make him mad in order to be spanked for punishment? I'm not trying to be radical or change BDSM but this is probably why some say we aren't doing kink right. I'm in pain every day. On a scale of 1-10 I live in the 4-6 range daily. Right now it's around 8-10 even with pain meds. Making something else hurt makes me forget about my hands. The 'ole reverse psychology bit. Let's make my ass hurt to make me forget about my hands. Oh, and orgasms? I love sex endorphins! They take ALL my pain for a little bit. A spanking/flogging from Sir is my reward for a job done well. For being good. For completing my tasks. For being a good subbie. Sir also likes to see me squirm. We both get something out of it. So we aren't doing BDSM like "normal" (HA!) folks. This is our choice. Being given a spanking has always had negative connotations for me. I don't want my relationship with Sir to have a negative undertone. I want it to be happy.

     I love the way Sir caresses my ass in-between floggings. Like he's trying to rub the hurt away. The touch of his smooth soft hands on my stinging ass turns me on. Sometimes he'll dribble the ends of the flogger over my ass. The soft suede kisses me silently. For me it is the stark contrast between pain and softness.

It takes me away from my constant pain.

It is my happy place.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Who Knew?

Who knew that my submissive side ran deep? That I had been hinting at it for years?

I've known my husband since I was 14. We've been married nearly 18 years now.

I have a very outgoing personality. I've been called an extreme extrovert. I don't know strangers, they're just friends I haven't met yet. In real life I'm an advocate for those with the same genetic condition as me (I won't expand here has it is rare & makes me somewhat identifiable, which I wish to remain anonymous at this time), I write for several blogs about this genetic condition to bring awareness. I've an Associates and Bachelors degrees. I'm smart. Intelligent in fact. I have to be domineering and in control at work.

Yet, a text from AP and my subby side kicks in.

I would do anything for AP. Just to make him happy. Making him happy makes me happy. Sappy I know. But it is a love that includes four very important elements.

Heart. Mind. Body. Soul.

He has them all. Always has. Always will.