Friday, November 4, 2011

Update to the Ashamed. Of Crying. Post

Sir and I went to bed shortly after I uploaded the Ashamed. Of Crying. post. What happened next was completely unexpected while also thrilling.

We did our pre-play cuddle/talk, then Sir rolled me onto my back and lifted up my shirt to expose my breasts. I asked Him if He would like for me to remove my shirt and Sir answered no. Sir then suckled my left breast and proceeded to tickle me on my left side. Just a light tickle. Sir then suckled my right breast and did the same light tickle on my right side. He continued this for several minutes. Sir did not cuff me but had put my arms above my head. Instinctive reaction for me was to lower my arms to protect my sides. Sir immediately said "Arms back up!". This happened several times. Eventually Sir rolled me onto my stomach and proceeded to sit on my ass. I love having Sir in that position! Sir started tickling my neck and working his way down.

Not once did He spank me. He had gotten the flogger out just in case I didn't react well to the tickling. Sir alternated the tickling with dragging/digging his nails into my skin starting at my shoulders and working down to my ankles.

I do not like.

I am still fully clothed while all this is going on. I tried to lower my arms to protect myself again and Sir said "Don't make me tell you again to put those arms back up!" All during this I can hear Sir chuckling and laughing behind me. Something he does not do often! I was so thrilled that my Sir was happy! Sir eventually got around to tickling the bottom of my feet. This all lasted nearly an hour, I believe, not the feet tickling, just the entire tickling mixed with the nail digging. I yelled "mercy" several different times which for us is much like someone else saying yellow. Towards the end Sir spent probably over 5 minutes tickling my feet. I was squirmy and couldn't get away. If I'd been able to dig my way through the bed I would have! Sir "Say it!" me "Say what?" Sir "You know what I mean, Say it!" me: "Kaleidoscope!" (thank you spell checker!) Sir "Again!" me: "Kaleidoscope!!" Sir then rolled me over, stuck his hand down my pants fingering me to several orgasms.

As I finish orgasming Sir leans over and whispers in my ear, "And I did all that without taking your clothes off. I. Win."

Sir "What is the lesson here?"

Me: ..... (still recovering)

Sir: I have gotten you to safe-word with spanking AND tickling. Never be afraid of using the safe-word and never hold back on crying. (I'm giving you the compressed version. I was in subspace and His exact wording escapes me)

This has been a very intense week for me. Last night Sir alternated spanking and tickling. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Laughing and crying at the same time. I love my Sir.

Also?    Mind.     Fucked.

side-note: I'm going to have to be careful what I post since Sir reads it. Not that I post anything bad. Just... well... I wasn't expecting my own post, with my innermost feelings, to be used against me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Ashamed. Of Crying.

Sir achieved a new first last night. I safe-worded (you should hear the disgust in my voice when I say that) from a bare-hand bare-bottom spanking. He was also dragging/digging his nails into my skin starting at my shoulders and all the way down to my ankles. On the upside He's found something I do not like.

Causing me to cry goes against everything that Sir is and strives to be. Subsequently, His anguish from going against who/what He is to satisfy me, in turn creates angst within myself for causing Him such distress. Nice vicious cycle, no? Sir talks about His confusion, sometimes I am confused too. Last night Sir said "Just keep telling me this is what you want and I will keep doing it. I will find a way."

However, I still have this nagging question in the back of my mind. Is this what I want? I feel guilty... no... ashamed, embarrassed even, for safe-wording when I asked for the spanking! I try to hold out crying for as long as possible. I feel as if I shouldn't, that I have NO right, to be crying since I asked for the pain. Am I really a masochist if I cry? Is that the goal of sadists? To make their subs cry, or even safe-word? Yes, I know it hurts, just the same. I've asked to be spanked, to be put into pain. Why does pain, from spanking/flogging, make me wet? Will I ever understand?

To my Masochist and Sadist readers: What say you? Masochists, do you feel ashamed of crying or safe-wording? Sadists, do you set out to make your subs cry or even safe-word?