Glossary - Commonly used terms in BDSM

  • 24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.
  • Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to subdrop as these return to more everyday levels.
  • Bad pain
    1. Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.
    2. Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of breaking a leg. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.
  • BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.
  • Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.
  • Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.
  • Breast bondage: The act of tying female breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.
  • Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate.
  • Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.
  • Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).
  • Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing bdsm relationship.
  • Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.
  • DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.
  • Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub)
  • Dominant: A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive
  • Domme: Woman who exercises control. Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.
  • D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.
  • Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space
  • Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally. Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (ie, what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there isn't a universal list of what is included in edgeplay. However, there are a few forms of play which almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.
  • Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub. But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that subdrop does not occur afterwards as the body returns to normal.
  • Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.
  • Good pain (1): Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) of consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Good pain" is therefore pain that is mutually agreed, desired or permitted by the submissive partner to be experienced, and seen by them as of enjoyment or value.
  • Good pain (2): Good pain and bad pain refer to perception of pain as pleasant vs. unpleasant. Sensations that non-practioners imagine to be painful are instead perceived and described by BDSM practitioners as pleasurable or a good form of pain, in much the way that muscles after a workout at the gym may be sore, but in a good way. The transition of perception from "bad pain" to "good pain" may require a warm up beforehand.
  • Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.
  • Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable. (As opposed to "soft limits.")
  • Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.
  • Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.
  • Limits: What someone "won't" do or is hesitant to do
  • Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.
  • Masochist: Person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.
  • Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit. An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (scene or perhaps a week end.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned. 
  • Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".
  • OTK: Over the knee (spanking).
  • Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.
  • Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.
  • Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.
  • Safeword: A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.
  • Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").
  • Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flaggillation and edgeplay.
  • Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment
  • Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master)
  • Soft Limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.
  • Subdrop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.
  • submissive, or "sub" for short. Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (Not to be confused with "bottom.")
  • Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well-being if they are in subspace.
  • switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.
  • Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.
  • Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom - person receiving the action.) Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together". A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top)
  • Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.
  • TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.
  • Training: Either referring to a short period of time (a scene) or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to act.
  • Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.
  • Warm up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.