Sir achieved a new first last night. I safe-worded (you should hear the disgust
in my voice when I say that) from a bare-hand bare-bottom spanking. He was also dragging/digging his nails into my skin starting at my shoulders and all the way down to my ankles. On the upside He's found something I do not like.
Causing me to cry goes against everything that Sir is and strives to be. Subsequently, His anguish from going against who/what He is to satisfy me, in turn creates angst within myself for causing Him such distress. Nice vicious cycle, no? Sir talks about His confusion, sometimes I am confused too. Last night Sir said "Just keep telling me this is what you want and I will keep doing it. I will find a way."
However, I still have this nagging question in the back of my mind. Is this what I want?
... no... ashamed, embarrassed even, for safe-wording when I asked
for the spanking! I try to hold out crying for as long as possible. I feel as if I shouldn't, that I have NO right
, to be crying since I asked for the pain
. Am I really a masochist if I cry? Is that the goal of sadists? To make their subs cry, or even safe-word? Yes, I know it hurts, just the same. I've asked to be spanked, to be put into pain. Why does pain, from spanking/flogging, make me wet? Will I ever understand?
To my Masochist and Sadist readers: What say you? Masochists, do you feel ashamed of crying or safe-wording? Sadists, do you set out to make your subs cry or even safe-word?
First of all: Do you think Sir would want you to be silent and let him put you in anguish? You've said making you cry goes against his nature. How horrible do you think he'd feel after putting you through anguish for ages, because you didn't want to safeword?ReplyDelete
Secondly: Sex, BDSM, our type of spanking are supposed to be fun, enjoyable, even when inflicting pain. When it leaves that territory, and is obvious isn't going to become fun again soon, that is why safewords exist. Something has gone wrong, something that needs to be fixed, and you can't do that in scene.
Third: After coming down from a bad scene is the worst time to analyze. Step back, comfort eachother, get a clear head. In an hour, the next morning, whenever, sit down out of scene, or in nonsexual circumstances for you lifestylers and discuss it openly and honestly.
Even for machoists some pain is still bad pain- @padmeamidala doesn't like canes, you don't like nails into skin. For some reason your brain likes some types of pain- to be honest it is a miswiring some of us have, though a veryyyy pleasant one in some cases. It isn't complete, or you'd roil in pleasure every time you stub your toe, etc. Knowing your limits, what makes good pain vs. bad pain is important, and something you should share with Sir.
I'm a switch, and not much of a masochist or sadist, but I don't set out too push or be pushed too far. I want fun, humiliation, submission and orgasms. To give up or receive control- not break or be broken.
I know it is sooo easy to be pulled into going too far trying to please a partner. I know that this story is just from online play, and thus not 'real' but it sure fucked with my head for a while. I was doming a partner on Second Life, and she had just shown me a really good time. She begged me to go way beyond my comfort zone, to really hurt her, break limbs, that kind of shit. I did it, she loved it, but I felt dirty afterwards. I wasn't comfortable with what I had done, and couldn't stand to go on second life for ages, and then for longer I couldn't stand to dom, even knowing she had loved it.
I think you can get what I'm saying with that story.
Anyway, hope you work things out
You should not feel ashamed of using your safewords. They are there to keep you, and in turn, your Sir/Top/Master safe during and after your play. However, I completely understand that feeling of wanting or needing to "tough it out", be strong for your sir and endure. The fear that if you stop the spanking, he'll be apprehensive and not play as hard in the future. But the safeword is nothing to shy away from. My Sir explained to me that rather than playing too hard, and getting hurt (in the wrong ways), he would rather play just hard enough so that I would want to play more in the future. Safe words are good!ReplyDelete
Now, for the topic at hand, crying and masochists (I cannot speak for sadits. Although I have some experience playing from the top, I am not a sadist). Actually, I don't even consider myself a masochist. Yes, I thoroughly enjoy the pain. I want it, need it, relish it. I get lost in the pain and each time I play I WANT the tears. Those tears are my release. I feel so free and open. Vulnerable and pliable.
I've said often that I pay my Sir for "beating" me in tears; however, as much as I give him my tears, he gives them to me. Without him I would not have those *good* tears or honest release.
For each person, Top or Bottom, the desired end of play is different. And for that matter every couple/group has different goals in their scene. But I'm almost certain that everyone would say that there is no shame in your safeword and no shame in your tears. Embrace both.
While neither a masochist nor a sadist, I am still aroused by spanking and various sorts of sexually-induced pain.ReplyDelete
I am not ashamed of tears because they are physical evidence that he's affected me in a powerful way. Yes, it may hurt, but in addition to the pain there is usually an emotional component and he has, physically, breached it.
That being said, I have to ask. If he doesn't like to make you cry through physical domination (spanking, etc) and you don't want to be hurt to the point of tears / safewording... why are either of you taking it that far? It seems clear to me that he is reluctant and responding to what you perceive as your need.
But what do you really need? A spanking to the point of tears, or a spanking to safeword, or maybe instead a spanking to orgasm? You're looking (you said on Twitter) for the endorphin release, and it is ... spectacular. It's relaxing, sleep-inducing, sexually relieving, mind-numbing and glorious. But there are different ways of getting there.
I don't really know you well enough to know the answer to those questions, which is why I'm asking them. And really the answer doesn't really matter - as long as you know what those answers are.
This is what safe words are for. They're to establish boundaries and limits in play, and especially useful for new relationships. In a relationship such as yours where you're both taking this journey together, you shouldn't condemn yourself for using the word. Now you know better.ReplyDelete
Yes, you asked for it. Using a safe-word doesn't invalidate the fact that you're a masochist.
However, because this has been such an emotional experience for you, I'd like you to consider that enduring it until the point of crying isn't going to help you two establish the limits when you play together. Moreover, 'I try to hold out crying for as long as possible' is a little concerning... It sounds as though your ego is at play here, like you are playing this way because you have something to prove. That may or may not be the case, just give it some thought.
I'd like you to try something.
Keep your safe-word. But I'd like you to also adopt "Green/Yellow/Red" into your S&M vocabulary.
I'm good Sir, please keep going.
Danger Will Robinson. This is still doing something for me, but any harder and I'm probably going to wig out. Please go slow, and be attentive to how I'm reacting.
I'd like you to stop Sir.
Since you have such a high distaste for safewording, you've already attributed it to a negative experience. Red/Yellow/Green will help you both keep your play style positive, sexual and arousing, at the same time still keeping you safe.
As a masochistic submissive, no I am not ashamed to cry or use my safe word. I have not done either yet, but I know I would be ok with doing it. In fact, I welcome the emotional release that crying can bring during a session. So far, the most I have done are a few tears.ReplyDelete
I once asked my Master if making me cry was his goal. He said no. To him, crying was not the intention, though he would not feel negative about it if it did happen. He understands the intimacy of such a release. He has also said to me that he finds tears to be a surrender (in my case) and actually loves it when I fight through them as he finds this to be an acceptance. He loves it when I growl instead of whimper ;-) But that's just our dynamic. It's not wrong or right. Please don't compare us to yourselves. :-)
Great post girl and I love the comments. They help me learn. :)ReplyDelete
I think the biggest problem with safe words is the shame that can accompany using them. I like to think it's there for him just as much as you--by using your safe word when you need it, you are actually serving him because you are giving him the tools to know you aren't really okay. It's there as much for him as it is for you because he doesn't want true harm to come to you.ReplyDelete
On the subject of tears, I don't cry often. When I do, I find that the release is amazing. Tears aren't the goal for my husband, but when they happen he knows he's really gotten to me (in a good or a bad way). Depending on the situation, he will do something to sooth me, or continue until I have let it all out.
I don't think tears are the goal (well, for the most part...Maybe sometimes...), I think the sadistic goal is to get pleasure not only from inflicting pain, but from the pleasure/conflict it creates in the sub. And the form that pleasure takes varies. Though, I'm not on that side of the fence, so it's outside observation and opinion lol.
As a wussy masochist, I'll admit that there are times when I ask for it then find myself going "oh holy shit!! I changed my mind!!!" Though by then, it is often too late lol.
Masochism, like sadism, takes many forms. I don't think you have to find pain enjoyable all the time in order to keep your masochist card.
Anyways, just discovered your blog and thought I would chip in my two cents!